Fertility is a bigger word than we may realise
We might think of hormones, bleeding, women and babies. However, we may not usually think about oppression, suppression and fertility in the same sentence…or maybe some people do?
Fertility is in fact wrapped up in larger concepts such as sexuality and gender and often connects us to sex, gender labels and other sexual connotations.
Through the journey of healing around my own fertility and if I’m to be honest, my sexuality, oppression has been a common word that has appeared. Suppression has also popped up …
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us – Marianne Williamson
My journey of healing began three years ago. I didn’t know that there was anything else that I needed help with healing in. I had worked my way through an eating disorder and had come out on the other side. My sexuality didn’t even enter my thoughts. Whilst physically my eating disorder had finished many moons ago, the real healing hadn’t even touched the surface. The healing that had everything to do with sexuality.
I’ll never forget walking into the office of my acupuncture/energy healer on the 21st of December, 2012. The end of the Mayan Calendar.
At this point in my life, I would dip my toes into the unknown, the mysteries, buddhist philosophy, yoga – however it was far from my main focus or purpose. I had chosen this acupuncturist because she was trained in fertility and had been recommended by an old colleague. My husband and I had struggled to fall pregnant after a miscarriage and my PCOS was at an all time high in symptoms. We had a house, had good jobs, were married and a baby was meant to come next….. Well so the societal story informs us. If we had been blessed then we would have been over the moon, however life had very different plans and my healer seemed to see that in me somehow.
Her words still come to mind…
“I was wondering who would walk through these doors on this date”
This struck me as odd and also made me quite curious.
She told me about the Mayan Calendar and I laughed about how people really thought the world would end. We talked about the spiritual meanings and when I say we, I really mean her and I listened. My skepticism still ran deep and I held the topic lightly and then went on my way.
Soon after that my world did end… and a new world began.
In January 2013 I went to South Africa and whilst there I caught a virus. Following on from this my health quickly declined. Without going into the whole story (as I’ve written on this before) it was a long and debilitating 12–18 months that ensued. I saw specialist after specialist, doctor after doctor, along with integrative GPs. I found myself sitting in the greatest unknown pool that I’ve ever known. There was terror, sadness, grief and eventually acceptance of a situation completely out of my control. It was in this place of no control where I really met myself and came to understand what the energy healer had meant on that auspicious day.
I came into contact with universal and hard truths through daily meditations and with each truth I faced up to, a symptom would drop away. I faced the trauma that had been held in my body from past experiences that had been suppressed. I faced generational trauma from my South African ancestry before me and also from my British ancestry. I cried and cried as memories surfaced for all the things that I had been ‘strong‘ through. With every memory that came, and that I shared with my amazing friends and Gestalt group I watched as my body got a little bit stronger. Through the love, through the connection and through the sharing…. I began o heal and transform as people resonated back deeper truths to me.
Carl Jung says it best when he offers,
The word ‘happiness’ would lose meaning if it were not balanced by sadness
And this I find to be true. Our constant need to be positive, to be happy, to be successful… is actually a fallacy. It is our sadness and grief that makes us truly grateful, humble and open to new experiences. This is our humanity.
So, what does this have to do with fertility?
It has a lot to do with it. I was locked in the system, energetically attuning myself to what I was told to be true by the media, by government, by other people and mostly from myself. I would constantly beat myself up for what I hadn’t done and neglected looking at all the things that I had achieved. It was never quite enough. ‘I‘ was never quite enough. And this was displayed in my outer world everywhere – through relationships and through situations I found myself in. It all reaffirmed a very outdated and uninformed belief. That I wasn’t enough.
I now know that I am enough and always have been – I was just confused by the external messages… and my body reflected this.
I lost my cycle for a long time. I lost an unborn baby (tiny as it was). I ended up losing movement in my body and instead it was replaced with pain. I was not living my truth. I was living within a system where oppression still existed – for women, for men, for other genders, for everyone because emotions were still not accepted or appreciated in our society nor for the value they truly hold. Emotion come from the heart and the soul. Feelings come to up to be heard and healed yet still we live in a society that values the mind over these processes. Knowledge is amazing and powerful but without the heart, it is empty and shallow. The integration of both heart and mind is what makes for a truly joyful and loving life.
When the Mayan’s said the world was ending, they were right. In a spiritual sense it was ending in the way we knew it. The paradigm to lead with the mind has now completed and people are starting to lead with their hearts and be guided by inner truth and love. We are wanting to let go of fear. This is evident in people choosing to live more mindfully, people power winning for same sex marriage, conscious movements growing power, yoga becoming more popular, meditation being backed by science, vulnerability being held with a little more esteem for it’s true power. Of course there will always be the polarity of fear and power as this is shown by terrorists and governments using oppression, however there is a movement towards a different way and I have felt every ounce of it over the last few years.
For my one small journey I had to let go of the need to be perfect. I had to let go of the need to impress and live within the system.
I had to let go of the people that have needed to keep me planted in that system. I had to let go of listening to the news that creates fear and the people who wish to promote fear. I’m sad for the world and the frightening things that are happening to it.
Instead… I choose to make a difference by showing up in love and to not continue the message of spreading fear. I have said hello to my sexuality and fertility, living authentically from the heart and leading with my intuitive truth, in connection to the emotions that occur naturally.
It is a female archetype that our cycle represents birth, maturation, death and rebirth. Before industrialism and processed foods disrupted traditional cultures, women would ovulate and menstruate at the new moon and full moon. This is a women’s intrinsic default setting. Our emotions are a part of this and unfortunately there are still stigmatisations around these very natural processes – there is still oppression that exists and we introject this on a very subconscious level.
I have been in a dance with this for the last few years, but the time is now right to stay. With that has come grief and an end to a cycle.
And this is where my fertility has begun – within my truth, living in a system that is gradually changing to how things are meant to be. It is my greatest hope to support others to make the transition too.
Namaste, Kate xxx